


I sleep in a bed too big for one person

by birbmemes



Category: Almost Maine - John Cariani
Genre: F/F, I wrote in the homestuck tense again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-28 01:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15038021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birbmemes/pseuds/birbmemes
Summary: A reflection on being close, and other things.





	I sleep in a bed too big for one person

You’ve always been a cuddler.

As a little kid, you slept with your parents longer than either of your siblings. Whenever your dad sat down in a chair, you’d clamber onto him. When you were little, you had a mattress on the floor. It was small, but it still felt too big. 

You got a bigger bed eventually. Too big, you thought. Too empty.

\---

It’s the third time you’ve slept over at Deena’s house since the incident. It took a while, truly, for her to be comfortable with you again, after your clumsy declaration of love. There was a very long time where the two of you just lay in that field, and then a very long time where Deena would talk to the area above your ear and not look at your eyes, then a time she lurched and grabbed your hand then lurched right back. Then there was a time where she invited you over to watch a High School Musical marathon, for old times sake, then invited you to stay the night, and then, when you made to pull out the couch, she asked what you were doing and sorta gestured to her bed. You were so nervous that you stayed up half the night lying stock still, afraid to move and somehow ruin all the progress you’d made. 

But you’re in her bed now, and that’s what matters. You really are so, so, grateful to be here. 

She’s so cute when she sleeps. 

You marvel at how you got here, sometimes. Not her bed, specifically. Here in a more cosmic sense. Heck, if anyone had asked two, three years ago, you would’ve lied through your teeth and told them you was just waiting for the right guy to start a family and move to a little house with a backyard and a dog. 

Even just a year ago, you were a twenty-six year old who was terrified of dying alone and had gone out with what felt like the whole male population of Maine, ages twenty-five to thirty. 

At that point, you should’ve know. In retrospect, it’s clear. You worked and worried your way through a week, then met up with Deena in what felt like the only good part of a very bad week. Even that date where you got food poisoning hadn’t seemed so bad after Deena came over with a big stack of home renovation magazines. 

You should’ve know then that something was up, and she was maybe more than a best friend forever. 

\---

Deena does a thing at night, when she gets cold. She sorta schooches closer to you, then throws an arm over you, then she traps you with her leg, so she can keep stealing your warmth like some sort of adorable lizard. It really is incredibly cute, until she pokes you with her freezing cold toes. 

You haven’t been cuddled like that in forever. Your stopped climbing into your parent's bed eventually. 

\---

Right around middle school, you started to get intensely uncomfortable being any closer to girls than you absolutely had to be. You’d get nervous, and flush, and you think people were uncomfortable being around you. Middle school sucked.

You parents noticed that. You’d always been a talkative kid, but middle school made you more withdrawn. You got over it, eventually. You learned to calm down, got used to girls, and got those talking skills back.

But no sleepovers. No changing rooms. No sitting way too close on the bus or at lunch.

Only now do you realize just how lonely you were.

\---

You maybe did know that you wanted Deen to be more than a friend. She joked about it a few times. If only the two of you were gay, and could marry each other to avoid these shitty dates. 

It was a joke then. She didn’t know. You couldn’t tell her. You were scared, you didn’t know how. 

It was a joke that made you feel squirmy on the inside for reasons that you couldn’t quite put a finger on. 

The first time you shared her bed, you fell out. It’s just a twin sized bed, and it really doesn’t fit two adult women. 

You think about the potato field a lot. You sure as hell didn’t go into that night thinking you’d come out (heh) of it with a new idea of yourself and your best friend, and you’re pretty sure Deena didn’t either. You’re sure glad the whole thing happened though. 

For you, the whole thing was much more sweet than bitter, although there was definitely fear involved. A lot of fear. For you, it felt almost right, like something you should’ve known all along was finally clear. For Deen, you think it was… harder. 

\---

When you finally moved out of your parents house, you brought your childhood twin sized mattress with you. It was just you and your dog in your little cabin. You slept terribly the first night.

You woke your parents up at four in the morning, trying to climb back down their attic stairs with all the stuffed animals you thought you were big enough to leave behind. 

After you explained to your parents that you are not a robber, you are in fact their middle daughter, your dad put away the shotgun. 

Your sister mocked you mercilessly the next day, accusing you of “using stuffed animals to fill the void in your heart.”

\---

You have a secret fantasy where you get married in that potato field. East is officiating- it is his field, after all. Rhonda’s your best man, and your whole family's there, and Deena's family is there, and everyone is crying and laughing. 

You’re too scared to tell your family you’re a lesbian. You’ve been trying to work up the courage to tell your sister for two whole weeks, and the closest you’ve gotten is asking her how she feels about RuPaul's drag race. (She just looked at your curiously and shrugged.)

You don’t even know if Deena wants to get married, though, and you’re fine with this. You feel lucky just to be lying by her, sharing covers and a room and a life. 

She shifts now, and rolls over to look at you. 

“I think we need a bigger bed,” she says, still half asleep, and you just nod and smile. You love her too much to speak.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I gotta clarify that in this fic, Shelly isn’t aware that she’s gay until right about when she confesses to Deena.


End file.
